The Misadventures of Bowser
by SuperFunkyMunkyKong
Summary: Bowser goes on wild adventures in the Mushroom Kingdom, sometimes with friends. Hijynx ensues.
1. Bowser's Night Out

Bowser was hanging out in his castle, having just recently captured the love of his life, Princess Peach.

"Gwahaha! I've got you for good this time, Princess!" Bowser gloated.

"Yeah right, Mario will come and save me like he always does, you fat oaf!" Peach retorted.

"Not this time, heh heh." Bowser laughed, having recently installed giant pools and laser sharks that shoots lasers that shoot lasers that shoot laser sharks that shoot rabid beavers. Mario would never get through this trap, right?

"YAHOOOOOOOO!"

It was then that Mario jumped through a window, used the brand new Shark Suit that was introduced in New Super Mario Bros. 25 for the Nintendo 4DS™ to befriend the laser sharks that shoot lasers that shoot lasers that shoot laser sharks that shoot rabid beavers.

"WHA—" was all Bowser could get out before Mario mauled his abdomen open and got 8000 points, saving the princess.

"Thank you, Mario!" she exclaimed, as Mario received a kiss on the nose.

"Bwahahaha, I'm not done yet! I still have my giant for—AAAAGH! OH GOD! OH GOD WHY! HELP! GET A DOCTOR, SOMEONE!" Bowser squealed. Apparently having your organs spill out hurts a lot more than being pelted with fireballs. Bowser was picked up by two Koopa Troopas and hauled off to the Koopa Klinic.

Bowser woke up in a sweat, and looked down to see that he had been healed by some Magikoopa Medics.

"That putrid plumber! I'm sick of him ruining my plans to capture Peach! Why? Why can't I just have her to myself?" the Koopa King wailed.

"Ugh, I just can't win, can I?"

After some more self deprecation and loneliness, Bowser received a call on his cell phone. It was King Boo.

"Ugh, I freakin' hate that guy… But I could use someone to talk to..."

Bowser hesitated, then picked up the phone.

"King Boo! So good to hear from you!"

"Yeah yeah, cut the shtick, fatty. I could hear you sobbing from here!" King Boo cackled.

"What? B-But that's impossible! We live like a mile away!" Bowser panicked.

"I didn't hear you sobbing, you dolt, but now I know you were, haha! I saw that Mario creep running off with your girl. Again. That's like the 4th time this week, dude. What's going on?" King Boo asked.

"Stupid Mario keeps getting all kinds of new fursuits, but all I ever get to do is jump around a bit, turn giant, then get my ass handed to me. It's just not fair!" Bowser lamented.

"Maybe if you didn't put things like giant pits and lava pools in your castles, that crap wouldn't happen." The ghostly king replied.

"Oh, man, you're probably right, but I can't help myself! I've got to!" Bowser cried.

"Okay, okay, maybe I went a bit too far. I know you need your switches that kill you instantly… And it's not like I'm too fond of those dreadful Mario Brothers either. Hey, howsabout a night on the town to get you better, huh? Nothing like a drink or two with some friends to cheer you up, right?" King Boo offered.

Bowser was elated at the idea. "Y-Yeah, you're right. I'm just a bit stressed, is all. Nothing like a break to get back into things!"

"See you at the bar, then."

"Maybe he's not so bad…" thought Bowser.

* * *

Bowser and King Boo were slammed. They waddled out of the bar, bottles in hand, and got into Bowser's Badwagon.

"Hey, hey, man, are you… are you okay to drive?" King Boo slurred.

Despite definitely being in no state to drive, Bowser insisted that he was okay to drive.

King Boo couldn't help but notice the giant speaker system in the back of Bowser's sick wheels.

"Blast the tunes, man. I want to get lost in the music. I wanna just get lost."

Bowser cranked up the music on his Badwagon, and the two started to sing together to the beat.

"BEEEEEEEEWAP BAP BADAP BAP! " The two drunks sang to the music through the whole ride. Bowser had apparently gotten too into the music, and didn't realize that he had been crashed into a ditch for like eighteen hours, probably because he had passed out about 20 minutes into their joyride around the Mushroom Kingdom.

"Uuuugh… What happened?" Bowser muttered. He found himself hungover from his night of partying. He looked next to him to find King Boo passed out in the passenger seat. He nudged his drinking buddy, seeing if he'd wake up.

"Wha? Where… Dammit, Bowser! We've crashed in the middle of nowhere!" King Boo shouted, causing Bowser to hold his head in pain.

"Hey, not so loud! And I see that now…" Bowser looked up to see he had received a ticket from the Koopatrol.

"What the Hell? I can't get ticketed! I own this damn country!" Bowser raged, not caring about his current state. "Who do I go to to pay this off? Myself?! How do I pay myself?!"

"Eh, whatever. It's been fun, Boozy." And just like that, King Boo was gone. Bowser decided that he would drink more responsibly from now on, which he didn't.


	2. The Spider

Bowser was lounging about in his castle, taking a day off after a long, hard day of trying (and failing) to kidnap Princess Peach. Bowser thought he finally had some time to himself, but then...

"DAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!"

Bowser Jr. was shouting from a few rooms away. Usually Bowser has Koopa nannies taking care of his son, but they quit after Bowser refused to pay them more than a weekly salary of $0.25. As a result, taking care of his kid was his own responsibility. "What? What is it, son?" Bowser yelled, not wanting to get up. He had just gotten comfy in his recliner. "DAAAAAAAAAAAAAD! THERE'S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM!"

'WHAT! A SPIDER?! YOU GET IT, I'M NOT BOTHERING WITH A STUPID BUG!"

"NO, DAD, YOU HAVE TO DO IT, IT'S LIKE TEN FEET TALL!" It was obvious Jr. wouldn't be giving up so easily. He sighed as he heaved himself up from his seat and walked very slowly to the Koopa prince's room. "Okay, son, where is it? It's kind of hard to miss a ten foot tall spider."

"Oh, I was just kidding about that, he's right there on the wall." Bowser Jr. said sheepishly, pointing at a tiny speck on the wall. "But now that you're here, you can get it for me, right?" Bowser was furious at his child for lying to him about some stupid spider just because he's too much of a sissy to get it himself. "DAMMIT JUNIOR! Can't you just get your own stupid spider for once?! It's so easy to do! Just punch it in the nuts until it dies!"

"But dad, I don't want to hurt the little guy..."

"THEN WHY DID YOU CALL ME?!"

"Because if you kill it, then I'm not hurting it."

Bowser was done discussing this, and just shook his head in disappointment. "Screw it, I'm not getting the spider. Looks like you'll have to get it yourself," Bowser laughed as he returned to his recliner, hoping he didn't miss too much of Dancing with the Stars.

"B-But... But..." Bowser Jr. didn't get why his father wouldn't just get the spider for him. "Oh, man, what am I gonna do now?" he thought. "Aha! All I have to do is call an exterminator to get it for me!" He pulled out his Bowser phone, looked up some exterminator's numbers, and called the first five on the list. Five exterminators would definitely get the job done better than his stupid dad.

* * *

Bowser was taking a nap in his recliner, dreaming about how much he'd like to be on Dancing with the Stars, when he heard the doorbell ring five times. "Ugh, I told that damned salesman I wasn't interested!" Bowser ranted. But when Bowser got to the door, it wasn't a salesman, but instead five different extermination companies had arrived at his doorstep.

"Hello, I'm here to deal with the spider problem."

"Yeah, same with me."

"Me too."

"What? I don't have a spider problem! You guys have the wrong-" Bowser had only just then realized why they were here.

"Wait a minute. I know why you're here. It's my bratty son! JUNIOR! COME HERE RIGHT THIS MINUTE!" Bowser shouted. After about a minute of complete silence, Bowser was forced to go to his son himself. Upon opening the door, Bowser was horrified. The ten foot tall spider was real, and was about to jump out the window holding Junior. He saw Bowser and looked at him for a moment, before putting one leg up to his mouth and going "Shhhh..." The spider then jumped out the window, leaving Bowser in his son's room with his mouth wide open, scarred by the horrible imagery. After a few minutes of sitting in silence in his now-kidnapped son's room, Bowser came to his senses and saw that the spider had left a note. Bowser scrambled to pick it up. The note read:

"Dear Bowser,

It's-a me, Mario! Wahoo! Nintendo gave me a new Spider Suit in the new game, and I've-a used it to-a kidnap your son! Bye-bye!

-Mario"

Once he got over the fact that Mario had written out his stupid Italian accent, Bowser thought over the situation for a bit. "If Mario has Junior then that means..."

"YEEEEEEEES!" The Koopa King couldn't be happier now that his stupid annoying pest of a son was out of the picture. "Now I can watch Scrubs in peace!" Bowser skipped happily over to his recliner and put in his Netflix password. Today was the start of a period of silence throughout Bowser's Castle.


	3. Bowser is Sad

Bowser was staking out Princess Peach's Castle, and it wasn't going well. Food was running short, and so was patience. Bowser tried to muffle his complaints and his growling stomach, but eventually gave out. He was completely pooped. "Ugh, another failure of a stakeout mission..." Bowser was consistently disappointed in his stakeout attempts, mostly because they only lasted around 30 minutes each. He then had another sad trip home to his sad castle filled with sad workers who were sad. How sad. Bowser had also found he had failed to set up the DVR to record the newest episode of Grey's Anatomy before he left, which made him even more depressed. He sighed and tried to find the episode online, to no avail. "What a terrible day," Bowser thought to himself. He was about to rhetorically ask himself how anything could possibly be worse when the doorbell rang. "Visitors? Who would want to visit this sad old place?" Bowser moped. At least he had a chance at some actual contact with a living thing.

Bowser opened his front door to find his son, Bowser Jr. "Dad, I managed to escape from the-"

Bowser had already heard enough. He slammed the door on his son's face. Nothing made Bowser more depressed than having to take care of the eyesore that is his son. But maybe having him around wouldn't be so bad. It's another person in the castle to do things with, after all.

"Hey, uh, sorry about that. And for not coming to rescue you. Do you want to play Monopoly or something?" Bowser asked.

"Sure, I guess. But we can't well play it with just the two of us," Junior answered.

"Hmmm... Well, I know of some friends I could invite over..."

* * *

After like a year of setting up the game, Bowser and company were ready to play Monopoly. Bowser's roster included himself, Bowser Jr, King Boo, Petey Piranha, Tatanga, and Alan, who he only invited when Mario didn't show up, because no one likes Alan.

"Okay, everyone, let's get this game started," Bowser announced, perhaps with a little too much enthusiasm.

30 minutes of relatively boring-to-read gameplay later, and nearly all of the properties were bought.

"Hey, you wanna trade your Boardwalk for my Atlantic Avenue?" King Boo offered to Tatanga.

"No way, then you'd have all of the blue ones and could put houses on them!" Tatanga angrily retorted.

"But hey, you'd have all the yellow ones! Worth it, right?"

"Oh, come on! I keep landing on Alan's freakin' light blue properties!" Bowser Jr. complained, shelling out another $400 to Alan. Alan certainly wasn't complaining. He had been bringing in the money since the game began. Bowser could tell his guests were getting a bit testy with each other, and that he had to wrap up the game quick before things got out of hand.

"Okay, guys, looks like I've gone bankrupt, so we'll-"

"Yes, I'd like to buy a hotel on Vermont Avenue, please." Alan decided that Bowser feigning bankruptcy was less important than him buying a hotel when it wasn't even his turn.

"Dammit Alan, you just want more of my money! It's not even your turn yet!" Bowser Jr. wasn't happy with Alan's decision, and neither was anyone else.

"Where are the snacks? You promised snacks, you cheapass!" Petey was really looking forward to Bowser's famous seven layer dip, which Bowser didn't end up delivering, only being able to muster a measly 3 layers of dip. He didn't even have any chips to dip in it. And just like that, everything went to shit. King Boo and Tatanga were fighting over their property cards, Bowser Jr. was complaining and shouting, Petey was halfway inside of the fridge, and Alan was- Ah, who gives a shit about what Alan was doing anyways?

"That's it, I'm out, good luck with this mess," Tatanga said sarcastically, making an exit by smashing through Bowser's wall, and the others followed suit soon after.

"Yeah, this sucked!"

"I'm going back to Mario's, it was better there."

And just like that, Bowser was alone and sad once again, with his sad destroyed Monopoly game set in his sad destroyed castle and his sad destroyed heart. How sad. But hey, at least the new Grey's Anatomy would get reran again in a few minutes, right? Oh, no, wait, that was an hour ago. Bowser really did have nothing good to do. And when you've got nothing good to do, there's only one thing to do. Go and get drunk at the bar again! Bowser hopped into his newly-repaired Badwagon and sped off to go and get wasted.


	4. Bowser's Raid

It was the middle of the night, and Bowser had fallen asleep in his recliner, his copy of Fifty Shades of Grey open on his lap. It was a quiet and peaceful night, one free from adventure and hijynx. Or it was, anyway, as Bowser received a phone call. "HUH?" Bowser jolted upright, his reading glasses falling on the ground and shattering. "Dammit, those were rentals..." Bowser picked up the phone angrily, not even looking to see who was calling.

"Who the Hell calls people at one in the morning?! This better be good!"

"Hey, chill out! It's me, your best buddy King Boo!" If there's one voice Bowser didn't want to hear right now, it was Junior's, but King Boo's was a close second.

"Sigh... What do you want this time, King Boo?"

"I figured we could go out and have some fun tonight." Bowser wasn't really in the mood to go out tonight, he figured tonight would be a quiet and hijynx-free night, like the narrator had led on.

"I'll pass, I'm still hungover from last time..."

"No, we're not going drinking at this hour! All the bars are closed! Instead, I've got something else in mind..." King Boo was clearly plotting something.

"Ugh... What could it possibly be this time? The last scheme you did got us-"

"HEY! Don't spoil it! The author hasn't even written about that yet! Anyways, we're going to go on a little trip down to Peach's Castle. Now before you say, 'I'm done with trying to kidnap that stupid broad,' I'll just say that we're going after something better than some blonde chick this time. Are you in?" King Boo's intentions didn't seem to be kidnapping, and since Bowser was only sick of that and nothing else, he figured losing some sleep wasn't something foreign to him.

"All right, King Boo, I'll bite. Let's go on your little outing. This better be good, though," Bowser threatened.

"Oh, don't worry, it definitely will be," King Boo assured. "Just be there in, say... An hour, behind the castle. See you there!" And with that, King Boo hung up. Bowser couldn't help but wonder what he had gotten himself into.

* * *

Bowser drove up to Peach's Castle. He was five minutes early, but King Boo would probably get mad even if he was on time. Bowser parked the Badwagon in some bushes nearby and sneaked behind the castle. By the time he got there, it had been 25 minutes, and Bowser was exhausted. At least King Boo was there, although he didn't seem too happy.

"King... Boo... I'm here..." Bowser panted.

"Bowser, you fatass! I just watched you walk a few yards in 25 minutes! Start going jogging or something, man. Anyways, the reason I've called you here is for a special mission, one more important than anything else you've ever done in your life." Bowser was beginning to think he had made the wrong choice coming here. Although he wasn't entirely opposed to doing shady things, he was still a bit weirded out.

"Uh, what do you *pant* want to do?"

"We're going on a panty raid!" That one sentence made Bowser regain all of his strength. Bowser loved panties, especially panties that weren't his own. But PEACH'S PANTIES?! That's like a whole 'nother level of pantiness, the optimal solution to a lonely koopa's nightly activities (What kind of activities? Whatever activities your mind says they are).

"WHAT?! A PANTY RAID?! WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY SO EARLIER?!" Bowser was incredibly excited about this opportunity.

"Hey, hey, not so loud! It's understandable that you're excited to steal your... Girlfriend? Captive? ...Whatever she is to you's panties, but you've gotta keep it down!" Bowser could acknowledge this and shut up, though he was smiling and jumping up and down a bit like a little girl waiting to open birthday presents.

"Right then, here's the plan. You see that window up there? I'm gonna float in and open it up, and I'll fling down an extremely sturdy ladder, one sturdy enough not to collapse under your weight. You come in and show me the way to Peach's chambers- you should know the way after kidnapping her so many times- we get the panties, and we're golden."

"Sounds good! Let's do this!" Bowser was pumped. King Boo floated through the window, opened it up, and let down a reinforced titanium stepladder. Bowser climbed inside, breaking only one and a half steps on the ladder in his ascent.

"Okay, the way to Peach's chambers is-"

"HALT!"

Bowser and King Boo jumped in surprise, and found Toadsworth standing in the hallway, looking aggressive. "Here to kidnap the Princess again, eh, Bowser? Well, not this time!" Toadsworth announced.

"Wait, wait! We're not here to kidnap the princess! We're here on a panty raid!" Bowser quickly said.

"Bowser! Why'd you tell him that?!" King Boo snapped. He was certain they were done for now.

"A... panty raid, you say? Hmm... Say, lads, you wouldn't have room for one more in your little party, would you?" Toadsworth inquired.

"Uhhhhh..." The two villains were floored. This was one outcome they didn't expect. King Boo spoke up first. "Um, sure, I guess. But aren't you her grandpa...? Ah, who cares. Can you show us where the panties are?"

"Of course, of course! Right this way, gents! Panties HO!" And with that, Toadsworth led Bowser and King Boo into the Castle Laundromat. Inside were lots of laundry machines for reasons unknown to them, Peach and Toadsworth are the only ones allowed to use them. But that wasn't the main prize here, they were after the safe on a small table in the middle of the room. It was labeled, "Peach's Panties! DO NOT TOUCH! Thank you! ^-^ 3"

"Ugh, what a stupid message. Were the little face and heart at the end really necessary?" Bowser asked.

"Now, now, we're not here to laugh at the princess' stupid girly messages that everyone hates and are everywhere," Toadsworth reminded them. "The reason I need you two for this is Bowser's brute strength. Surely a large Koopa like you could this silly safe apart with ease!" Unfortunately, Bowser had been trying to see how many days he could go living off nothing but donuts before having to visit a hospital for the last few weeks, so he was severely out of shape.

"Uh, yeah, heh heh, my Koopa strength..." Bowser decided to try to smash it anyways. He charged up, then whacked the safe with a solid punch. While the safe didn't break, Bowser's knuckles shattered to pieces.

"OOOOOOOOOOW! DAMN SAFE! THAT HURTS LIKE A BITCH!" Bowser screeched. He was seething with rage after his hand was broken. In his fury, he threw the safe on the ground and stomped it as hard as he could. Amazingly enough, he managed to break it right in two.

"GOD DAMMIT! I HATE THIS STUPI- Wait! It's been opened! YES!" Bowser squealed with joy as he reached down and grabbed a pair as gingerly as he could, as did the others.

"Hahaha, we've done it! Now to blow this pop stand..." King Boo was just getting ready to leave when some Toad guards came into the room after them.

"HELLO! THESE ARE THE GUYS WHO WERE MAKING ALL THAT NOISE!"

"WHAT? I THOUGHT THAT WAS YOU! YAHOO!"

"MAYBE IT WAS YOU! I'M THE BEST! STOP THEM!" The three Toad guards charged at the three, making the trademark and infernal sounds of a Toad while they did it.

"Uh... Y-Yeah! Get them! They are trying to kidnap the princess!" Toadsworth shouted, running behind some cover.

"Toadsworth, you bitch!" King Boo shouted. "Bowser, let's get out of here before our ears start to bleed from the Toads' screeches! Quickly!" The pair ran around the room, using the Toads' hive mind mentality to their advantage. After enough wall hugging, they were out the door. Bowser and King Boo jumped out the window, ran to the Badwagon, and drove away as fast as they could.

"Haha, we've done it! We pulled off a panty raid!" King Boo celebrated. But Bowser had already passed out from exhaustion. Apparently running through some hallways and a bit outside is just too much for an overweight turtle. "Pah, I've got to do everything myself..." King Boo rolled Bowser into the passenger seat and drove him back to his castle. Once there, he rolled the Koopa King onto his doorstep, then floated his way back home.


	5. Bowser Loses It All

It was another bland old day for Bowser, and he was sitting around his castle, as usual. He leaned back in his recliner and overlooked the Koopa Kingdom, proud of his achievements in politics. But then, there was a knock at the door. Bowser reluctantly rose and answered the door. A Toad was standing outside.

"What do you want?" Bowser was sick of visitors and wanted a quiet day for once in his life.

"HELLO! I'M HERE TO TELL YOU THAT YOUR PROPERTY IS BEING SEIZED!"

"Wait, what? What right do YOU have to take my property?!" Bowser wasn't planning to just let some random Toad drive him out of his own castle.

"THE PRINCESS WANTS TO BUILD A HUGE HOT TUB HERE! THERE"S GREAT LAVA UNDER YOUR CASTLE TO MAKE IT ALL NATURAL!"

"What the Hell are you talking about? That princess has no right to take the Koopa King's castle! I own this land!"

"EMINENT DOMAIN, BITCH! YOU HAD A DAY TO PACK UP AND EVACUATE! THAT DAY WAS TODAY, AND YOU'VE GOT ABOUT 5 MINUTES LEFT!"

"Pah, even if I had one second to pack up, I still wouldn't be moving a muscle to try and move out! Let's see you and your little princess try and take down my fortress! Gwahahaha!" He tried to act tough on the outside, but Bowser was pretty scared that the Toad meant business.

"YOUR FUNERAL!" And with that, the Toad was gone, having run off to his friends. Bowser figured is was some prank and went back inside, hoping the pesky fungi wouldn't bother him anymore. Just as Bowser was going back to his recliner, he heard some loud yelling.

"What?! I thought I told that stupid Toad to-" A huge explosion cut off Bowser mid sentence, causing the ground to shake beneath him, and a wall blowing open right next to his beloved chair. Behind the wall was a giant crane, swinging a large wrecking ball right towards Bowser.

"OH JESUS CHRIST WHAT THE F-" The wrecking ball smashed through Bowser's Castle, demolishing about half of it, and smacking Bowser clean in the chest. The ball sent Bowser flying outside near the other Toads who were preparing to wreck the other half of the castle. Bowser promptly got up, felt around for a moment to find that, miraculously, none of his major organs were damaged (though he did seem to have broken nearly every bone in his midsection, but that was fixed by a bandage). He groggily looked over to the other team of Toads, who were strapping more C4 to the side of the castle.

"HEY! YOU STOP THIS OPERATION RIGHT THIS MOMENT!"

"HELLO! WE HAVE LEGAL PROOF THAT THIS LAND HAS BEEN SEIZED AND IS NOW PROPERTY OF THE-"

"DO YOU THINK I GIVE TWO SHITS?! GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I TURN YOU INTO ROASTED SHIITAKE MUSHROOMS!" That threat was enough to make the Toads shiitake their pants, and they promptly ran away screaming.

"Ah, feels good to be in power. But it will take a bit of funding and work to get the other half of the cast-" Bowser was yet again interrupted by explosives, ones that exploded the other half of the castle. Apparently the Toads had already finished planting the bombs, it was just a matter of actually blowing them up. Bowser solemnly looked at the remnants of his castle, all the work he had watched his subjects do gone to waste. Come to think of it, a good chunk of his subjects were likely caught in the explosion, and were probably dead. Bowser's sadness quickly turned to anger.

"OH DAMMIT! I SPEND ALL THAT MONEY AND TIME BUILDING A CASTLE, JUST FOR IT TO GET DEMOLISHED TO BUILD A DAMN HOT TUB! AND THE PEOPLE WHO DIED! THEY COULD'VE AT LEAST DONE SOME MORE SLAVE WORK BEFORE DYING! Maybe I can still salvage some of it..." Bowser began to dig through the rubble, hoping perhaps his TV or recliner made it through. His efforts were mostly fruitless, only being able to find his prized recliner and a pack of Koopa Chips, a small victory in a day riddled with defeat. Bowser pulled out his recliner and set it back up, sat himself down, opened up his pack of chips, and pretended that he was watching the latest episode of Big Bang Theory.


	6. Dimension Jumping Koopa

Bowser had just finished refurnishing his new Koopa Bunker, replacing his castle, which was now a giant hot tub. He had invited King Boo over for a round of poker.

"I've got a full house!" King Boo showed off his pair of sevens and trio of fives.

"Uh... Go fish?" Bowser had nothing.

"Do you even know how to play poker?" King Boo asked, annoyed at Bowser's stupidity.

Suddenly, there was a loud thumping noise outside. The new partying neighbors kept losing their pool toys and stepping over Bowser's bunker to fetch them.

"Damn these new neighbors and their stupid hot tub... THAT'S MY PROPERTY, YOU KNOW!"

"Hey, cool it. Maybe you should've stopped them when they took it over." King Boo was sick of hearing Bowser whine.

"But they were too fast! I couldn't even see them coming!" Bowser defended.

"Couldn't you just have used your army to stop... Ugh, whatever. Hey, I've got an idea. Since clearly this game of poker is going nowhere (and because I've got everything in your wallet), how about we do something else?" King Boo plotted.

"Sure, I guess... What do you have in mind?"

"You know how whenever you try to kidnap the princess, you fail horribly and end up getting mauled or something?"

"Don't remind me..." Although he had tried giving up his mission to kidnap the princess, he was still open to new ideas to get her back. He continued to listen to King Boo's latest scheme.

"Maybe you don't have to kidnap this princess, but a different one?"

"What, like Daisy or something? Nah, she's too ugly."

"I thought you might say that, so I got this." King Boo pulled out a weird gray gun-shaped thing.

"It's a portal gun. It'll allow us to go and kidnap a different dimension's Peach!" Bowser stared at the piece of sci-fi technology, mouth ajar.

"Where did you get something like that?"

"You know that show Rick and Morty? On their website they've got these babies for only $19.99. ...Plus shipping and handling. What do you say?"

" Yeah, man, let's do it!" Bowser couldn't help but wonder what other kinds of princess Peach there would be out there. Perhaps one even better than this dimensions? King Boo set the gun to find another dimension with Peach in it, fired it at a wall to create a portal, and the two went inside. They stepped out of the portal to find they were in some sort of bizarre world that looked like it was drawn in MS Paint. So many solid colors and bland backgrounds. A horrible soundtrack made using unidentifiable instruments played in the background.

"What the Hell is this?" Bowser had never seen anything like it before.

"I've got no clue," answered his spherical friend. "Wait, whoa are those guys over there?" King Boo and Bowser ducked behind a rock and peeked over to see Mario and Luigi walking through a gate that said "Mushroom Kingdom" on it.

"What? Why would that sign say Mushroom Kingdom on it? Aren't they already-" Bowser was cut off by an extremely loud and echoing laugh, as a horrible version of himself popped up from behind some mushrooms.

"WHAT THE-"

"NOICE UH DUH PRINZESS TA INVOITE US OVUH FOR UH PICNIC, AY, LUIGI?!" the Mario clone asked his awful brother.

"AH HOPE SHE MADE LATSA SPAGHETTI!" the poorly drawn man in green responded.

"JESUS CHRIST ON A STICK, GET US OUTTA HERE!" Bowser shouted at his friend.

"WAY AHEAD OF YOU!" The ghost had already opened a new portal, one leading back to their home dimension. The pair scrambled inside, and found themselves back in the bunker. They didn't say anything for a few minutes, only for King Boo to break the silence.

"I'm, uh... I'll go home and, uh... Just... Just burn this..." King Boo promptly went back to his ghastly quarters, looking at nothing in particular along the way.

"Yeah... You do that." Bowser went to his recliner and powered on his TV, tears forming in his eyes. Evidently, this was a bad idea.


	7. Krazy Koopa Koma Karnage

Bowser was sitting about in his airship fortress when he received a knock at the door. He reluctantly stood and went to go and answer it, only to find a bunch of kids out on his lawn.

"What do you people want?" Bowser asked the strangers.

"We are the Squadron of Super Bad Dudes!" replied one particularly beet-shaped child. "We came to see you, Boswer, you're our idol!" Bowser didn't know whether to be happy over the fact that he has fans or angry that they called him Boswer.

"Well, you boys must have come a long way to reach me in my secret volcano airship airstrip vehicle in the sky!" Bowser told them. "Would you like to come inside for cookies?" They children gave an enthusiastic affirmative answer and came inside, expecting to receive their chocolate chip-encrusted snacks. It was at that moment that Bowser's best friend, Tatanga, burst through Bowser's garage door.

"Hey there, Boswer! I couldn't help but notice that you were making and serving cookies! I figured I'd stop by and have some!" Tatanga was very enthusiastic about receiving his chocolate chip-encrusted snacks.

"Why, sure! Anything for the guy I've gone on so many wacky and wild adventures with! Come here, you!" Bowser shouted playfully as he gave Tatanga a nuggie. "Boy, do I love baking chocolate chip-encrusted snacks for my friends and fans!" Boswer was very excited to have so much company. Then Princess Peach came in the door and asked Oswerld to marry her, and also to bake her chocolate chip-encrusted snacks. And then Mario came in and beat himself up, jumping from the airship down into a hot tub, where he performed a world class synchronized swimming routine with some Goombas. Bisworld and his friends applauded and showered him in chocolate chip encusted...

"AGH! NO! NO MORE!" Bowser awakened in a hospital bed. He was in the newly built Koopa Klinic section of the bunker. He was also completely dumbfounded.

"What the...? Where... WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!" Apparently the wacky antics that had ensued were all just a dream. Bowser turned to the doctor, grabbing him by the shirt and shaking him back and forth.

"YOU! What day is it? What's happening? Why am I here?!"

The poor doctor filled Bowser in on his predicament. "Uh, you've been in a coma, your Unconsciousness! For about a month and a half! The current date is-"

"WHAT?! COMA?! HOW THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN?!"

"Er, uh, well, you see-" The flustered doctor's muttering was interrupted by a ring at the doorbell. Bowser rushed out of the Klinic, ignoring all signs of having woken up from a coma, excited to see his visitors.

"Hello, my fans! Would you like to come inside for some chocolate chip-encrusted-" It would appear Bowser's dream was just that, as after asking no one if they wanted some cookies like a dumbass, he looked up to see Mario and a few Toads running away. He had been ding-dong-ditched. After shouting and stomping for a good few paragraphs, Bowser saw they had left a note.

"Dear Bowser,

We've noticed you stopped trying to kidnap Princess Peach, so we have no choice but to assume you're plotting something big. As such, we have attached explosives to this letter and to your bunker. At a convenient time, the letter and all other associated explosives shall be set off. Have a nice day!

-Peach's Castle Staff"

After getting over the literacy of the Toad who wrote this, Bowser realized that now was a very convenient time for the explosives to go off and threw the letter in no particular direction, hoping to offset the likelihood of his hand blowing off. Bowser's assumption was correct, and his Bunker was blown to pieces, smoke tunneling out of the entrance hatch. His recliner flew up and out of the bunker, landing neatly next to the hatch. Just when he thought things couldn't get any worse, he received a phone call, a sure sign things were about to get worse.

"Hello?"

"Hey there, Bowser, it's your old buddy-" Bowser knew exactly who it was when he said "old buddy."

"TATANGA! Boy, am I glad to hear from you! Listen, you gotta help me ou-"

"WHAT?! No, you dipshit! This is King Boo!" Looks like Bowser had made a blunder he would regret. Maybe setting King Boo's contact name to be "Best Friend :)" wasn't such a good idea.

"I heard and saw all the noise from your bunker and was going to try and see if you were all right, maybe offer you a place to stay for a while if you needed it, but if you care about me so little you can't even recognize my voice, I guess I don't really need to help you!" And with that, Bowser was left sad and alone once again, with only his recliner there to keep him company. Apparently being in a coma for a month and a half really screws with your perceptions of reality. When Bowser looked up, he saw there was a silver lining to his predicament. The wind had carried the explosive letter directly toward the Princess' hot tub, blowing it to smithereens! Finally, something went right for Bowser!

"HAHA! TAKE THAT, PRINCESS!" Bowser yelled as he hastily picked up his recliner and put it over what remained of the hot tub.

"Now I can finally rebuild my castle without having to deal with a stupid hot tub in the way!" Bowser called up a construction crew and sat back in his recliner, happy to finally have a victory.


	8. The Visit

It was a regular day in the newly built Koopa Castle, with Bowser sitting on his recliner watching the latest episodes of Let's Make a Deal. "COME ON, DOOR NUMBER ONE! TWO IS A ZO- I TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU THAT ONE WAS BAD!" Bowser was very passionate about his daytime television game shows. While he yelled at contestants who definitely couldn't hear him, one of his lackeys ran up to him.

"L-Lord Bowser! There's something urgent you must listen to! I recommend you turn the television off for this!" Although Bowser was unhappy about it, he knew that if it involved turning his TV off, it must be important. He looked at the remote for a second to find where the power button was, then pressed it.

"Well, out with it! And make it snappy! You know how unreliable that stupid DVR is!"

"Well, you see, Your Pudginess, it would seem that it's been a while since your boss came to check up on you, see how well you're doing at your job..."

"WHAT?! I don't have a boss! I AM the boss! THE boss! Of the FINAL variety!" If there was one thing he hated more than turning off his TV, it was being talked down upon.

"Lord Bowser, perhaps you should broaden your scope of thinking. This isn't any run of the mill boss, this is... is..." The minion was having trouble with getting the information out this his lord, but Bowser understood what he meant.

"You don't mean... Him, do you?" Bowser whispered, which scared the messenger. Bowser never whispered. "Go. Away with you! GO!" Bowser was never this serious about a visit. He must've been seriously upset. Immediately, Bowser was just getting everything into shape for the visit, aligning pictures and launching Bob-Ombs at the Mushroom Kingdom, when the doorbell rang.

"He's... Here..." Bowser took a brisk, yet solemn walk to the door. He knew this visit could make or break his whole career. After a deep breath, he opened the door to reveal the man he had been fearing this whole day.

"AAAAH, BOWSELU! SO GOOD TO SEE YOU!" Shigeru Miyamoto gave Bowser a big smile and reached out a hand. Bowser took it quickly, and gave him a sheepish grin.

"Hey there, Mr. Miyamoto. So nice of you to drop by on this lovely day." It was clear to the bystanding workers that Bowser was keen on not messing this up, and quickly got to work. "Please, come inside. Would you like something to drink?"

"AAAAH, NOOOO. I'M NOT ROOKING TO DURINKU ANYTHING. IN FACT, I ACTURRY CAME BY TO SEE HOW YOU'RE EVIL PROTS ARE COMING ARONG!" Miyamoto sat down in a nearby chair, a recliner-esque chair that had holes in the back from a certain giant spiny turtle.

"Ooooooh shit," thought Bowser. He didn't really think this whole give-up-on-capturing-the-princess thing through. What would the boss say when he got the news of Bowser giving up on her? Bowser hoped he would never know, instead opting to lie his way out of this mess. Using his quick thinking skills he didn't have, he thought up a plan.

"Oh, yeah. Big plans. HUUUGE plans for destroying Mario and his pesky princess. As you know, I am the best at doing that. Yes of course." Shigeru grinned upon hearing about his plans of destruction, eager to hear more. "OOOH YEEEEAH! AND WHAT EXACTRY, AAAARE YOUR PURANS?!"

"Er, well, you see, I..." Looking around the room, the Koopa King incorporated the first thing he saw into his new vision. "YES! A TV! I will plant TVs in the houses of AAAALL the Mushroom Kingdom's residents, and... Uh... And they will get... hypnotized... BY the TVs! And I'll give them out for free and they'll all love my hypnotic programming! Exclusive to Bowser TV!"

"But Bowselu..." Miyamoto's cheerful countenance fell into a frown. Bowser gulped.

"YOU ARREADY USED THAT PURAN BEFORE!" Miyamoto's shouts could be heard from outside. He had? Well, there WAS that time long ago, but it was only on some cavemen... But wouldn't the cavemen be much stupider and more gullible than the residents of the Mushroom Kingdom? And Mario, Luigi, Yoshi, and the Princess didn't fall for it, either. In hindsight, this was a bad idea. The only way to fix this is with more lies, naturally.

"NO! Nonono, you got it all wrong, Mr. Miyamoto! I-I mean, that's not to say that you'd ever be WRONG or..." Bowser coughed. "A-ANYWAY! This time will be different, because the TVs are also... giant... robots? That sprout giant TV limbs and will destroy Mario! ...GWAHAHA...?" Oh God, this was a horrible idea. BUt Miyamoto didn't seem too dispureased. In fact, he had his characteristic smile again.

"AAAAH! I SEE, BOWSELU-SAN! AND SURERY THE LOBOTS WIRR HAVE GIANT FLASHARU WEAKU POINTS?!" Miyamoto was very excited.

"YES! Only the flashiest, giantest weak points on MY evil TV robot army! GWAAAAAAHAHAHAHA!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH~~~~~~!~~~!~!~~" Miyamoto was clearly appeased by Bowser's stupid plan. It was just dumb enough for Mario to be able to beat, yet also sounded like it would appeal to the kids. "WERR, BOWSELU-SAN, I THINK YOUR PURAN IS SATISFACTORU! NOW, TO TERR MALIO ABOUT HIS NEW SUIT THAT WILL DESTROY THE TVS..." Miyamoto headed for the door, waving goodbye. Bowser led him to his Nintendo-themed limo, and he was off to the Mushroom Kingdom. That day, production on a giant TV army began. Bowser wasn't sure what he had done, but hey, Miyamoto liked it, so he couldn't complain.

* * *

A few years after the visit, the new Mario game, "Super Mario TV Attack," released, and failed to send out review copies. Once the game was out, it sold a million copies, and no more after. It was a critical and commercial failure, receiving numerous 3-4/10 scores from nearly every reviewer. Sites cited aspects such as "hilariously easy to defeat enemies" and "little to no challenge" involved. However, the biggest gripe was the "stupid design of the enemies, the TVs." it was a common agreement that this was the biggest ball drop in gaming history. Mysteriously, Bowser was removed from all future Mario media, and was attempted to be retconned out in any way possible. No one knows where he went or what happened to him. The new Mario villain, Alan, had a horrible reception, and he spearheaded what would be known as "The Dark Age of Mario."


End file.
